ACCEPT, pt2
i've found this prayer site (thanks to my friend Aron Gibson) called pray as you go.
it's a Jesuit site, which means it's a bit outside my ordinary mindset and that's a good thing for me.
the readers are British, which makes listening to them fun.
the site is set up to take about 12 minutes, starting with music, that's varied, eclectic.
today's was classical, choral type music.
the song lyrics were 'You are the center of my life, Lord.'
and then the reader prays this:
'amid all the preoccupation, hassles, worries and concerns,
can i open my heart to God, my guide, my healer, my teacher?
in my mind, can i focus on the center of my life?
can i stop for a moment and listen to God's voice?'
so i stop. and i listen. for God's voice.
now it takes practice to listen instead of talking.
i've been taught that prayer is talking to God and so that's what i've done my whole life.
but listening is key and it's hard.
and what i heard was this:
nothing. zero. zip.
actually that's a lie. i did hear something. this what i heard:
'you're a fake. YOU are the center of your life.'
all i could feel out of this beautiful prayer was guilt.
interestingly, this is not at all what the reader asked me to think about or focus on.
he asked me to open my heart to God, my guide, my healer, my teacher.
he asked me to hear THAT voice.
instead i heard my own voice.
my prideful, self loathing voice.
my 'check the list and show them all you're the real deal' voice.
the accuser's voice.
but NOT the voice of God, my guide, my healer, my teacher.
so i stopped the recording. and wrote this, instead.
in my last post i talked about the word ACCEPT.
and i'm thinking about what it is that keeps me from accepting the grace that's offered me.
when i'm offered unconditional love and grace for living, why don't i just take it and rest in that?
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