everchanging view

40 days

5 march 2014...Ash Wednesday

'Lent is a time when many Christians prepare for Easter by observing a 40 day period of fasting, repentance, moderation and spiritual discipline. The purpose is to set aside time for reflection on Jesus Christ- his suffering and sacrifice, his life, death, burial, and resurrection.' (definition complements of that deep theological treatise, Wikipedia)

now. i grew up baptist and the only lent/lint i'd ever heard was the kind found in a bellybutton. (i'm southern. can you tell??)
oh and i prepared for Easter, alright. i always had a new hat or dress. new clothes. springy. easter eggs. colored chicks. dressed my kids in smocked awesomeness.
cause Jesus is alive. right??

this is the 3rd year that i've seriously observed lent. i mean, i talked about lent and what i might 'give up' but i never honestly tried on the practice of lent until our church had an Ash Wednesday service. this was the first time i'd had ashes imposed on my forehead. that i admitted along with 100 or so folks at our church and millions around the world and throughout history that i am frail. and weak. that i am dust. (psalm 103:6-14)

wow, way to be a downer, tracy. i mean, come on. it's Easter morning. Resurrection Sunday.

interestingly in ways i never expected, i have found more joy in that one Sunday morning by sitting in the intentional reflection that Lent brings. i have found that the liturgy and spiritual practices around this time, starting with the imposing of ashes, the prayers of confession, the sacrifice of fasting and attention to moderation, the deliberate examining to my own shortcomings, along with remembering the tremendous sacrifice of Jesus makes these 40 days deep. and rich. and hopefully life changing.

Call to Confession

one:

The Psalmist tells us that our silence causes us to waste away.
There is so much that is heavy upon us

so much that we carry.
so much that we dare not utter.
Let us together to declare our brokenness.
Let us no longer remain silent.
Let us acknowledge our sin to God.

all:

When I refuse to confess my sin, I am weak and miserable,

moaning and complaining all day long.

one:

Come, let us confess our sins to the Lord

Let all speak honestly for He is listening.

all:

As your child, I confess that I have strayed from you and turned aside from your way.

I am misled by pride, consumed by my appetites, mired in my apathy.

I have failed to love, neglected justice, and ignored your truth.

for I see myself as pure when I am stained,

I see myself as great when I am small.

one:

Come, let us confess our sins to the Lord

Let all speak honestly for He is listening.

all:

Blessed are those whose wrongs have been forgiven,

whose sin is hidden from sight.

Blessed are those whose sin is covered

one:

Come, let us confess our sins to the Lord Let all speak honestly for He is listening.

the day i almost quit.

i almost quit on God.

almost broke up with Him.

for real. and for lots of reasons. i was ready to throw in the faith towel, if you will.

i'd been murmuring, complaining, crying about it all for a while.

i'm sure He heard me. with questions like:

'where are You?'

'do You care?'

'are You good?'

'does it even matter?'

'can I trust You?'

now i can be a procrastinator,

and i'd let this unhealthy, passive agressive mindset go on for way too long.

finally i made a date with God to lay my doubts and fears,

questions, laments and anger out on the table.

i picked a public place in case He wanted to smite me when i put it all out there.

(that's a joke.)

i actually picked Summit cause when the sun comes into that upstairs room in the mornings it's warm and bright and beautiful.

like i wish i could always feel inside about life and God and stuff. so i sat at this table and i pulled out my journal and began.

i started with questions:

'what holds me back?'

'what trips me up?'

'can i change any of this?'

'do i want to?'

and then, for a few hours, i sat.

i was quiet.

i read.

i listened to music.

and i prayed.

and thought.

and wrote.

and at the end of the day, there was no epiphany or vision

or near death 'walk towards the light' kinda experience.

there was just me, saying yes. i said yes. i decided i do want to.

i want to believe.

not by putting on rose colored glasses to block out all the negative that is unclear and confusing,

but with honest realness, looking for answers, wholehearted. open.

i needed to tell God that altho things have happened

that have shaken me to my very core that i still believe He's good. and that He's love.

i wanted to tell him i'm sorry i'd been ashamed of Him because of the

jackassy, ridiculous stereotypes out there that misrepresent Him daily.

that i need to stop hating and be a lover.

to stop being a cynic and be a seeker.

to take one step, just one into the light.

so i did. i said yes. and i took a step. that day.

and the days since. i'm not living happily ever after and i still have so many questions,

but i decided to stay. to walk on. not because i have to, but because i want to.

because i believe that at the heart of the matter, God is love. and that He loves me. and you.

and wants us to love each other.

and that's enough for this day.

encourage

who cheers you on?

who sits on the sidelines of your life and encourages you?

who kicks your butt when you need them too?

who cuts your black eye so you can see?

(like mick did for rocky?)

who's your mick?

who speaks truth to you?

who tells you the hard things you need to hear?

who doesn't let you off the hook?

i'm pretty decent at the 'wow, you're doing a great job.

keep up the good work' encouragement.

when encourage is the cheerleader, i'm your girl. rah rah sis boom bah. and other such things.

but sometimes encourage has to take the tough approach.

the word 'encourage' actually means 'to put courage in.' (shocking, right? bet you never saw that coming.)

the way mick is talking to rocky. he's literally 'putting courage in.'

and the words, they weren't always pretty. but so needed.

i can be way too much of a softie. let people off the hook.

i don't have the courage to confront. i'm too worried about what people will think...

all in the name of love, but is that really love?

truth and love are not enemies. they are connected. partners.

the lesson is in the picture.

mick is about to pull out the razor and cut rocky's eye so he can see.

(rocky DID ask for it but that's really irrelevant to this post.)

a painful but necessary action so rocky could see to finish the fight.

and mick was in rocky's corner, literally, the entire time.

(read the metaphor, people!)

read this for a perfect example of what i'm talking about.
saying the hard thing because it HAD to be said.
how having the courage to encourage changed everything.

i'm gonna leave you with this: love love it. because deep down i am a cheerleader.