i almost quit on God.

almost broke up with Him.

for real.  and for lots of reasons.  i was ready to throw in the faith towel,  if you will. 

i'd been murmuring, complaining, crying about it all for a while. 

i'm sure He heard me.  with questions like:

'where are You?' 

'do You care?'

'are You good?'

'does it even matter?' 

'can I trust You?'

now i can be a procrastinator,

and i'd let this unhealthy, passive agressive mindset go on for way too long.

finally i made a date with God to lay my doubts and fears,

questions, laments and anger out on the table.

i picked a public place in case He wanted to smite me when i put it all out there.

(that's a joke.)

i actually picked Summit cause when the sun comes into that upstairs room in the mornings it's warm and bright and beautiful.

like i wish i could always feel inside about life and God and stuff.  so i sat at this table and i pulled out my journal and began.

i started with questions:

'what holds me back?'

'what trips me up?'

'can i change any of this?'

'do i want to?'

and then, for a few hours, i sat.

i was quiet.

i read.

i listened to music.

and i prayed.

and thought.

and wrote.

and at the end of the day, there was no epiphany or vision

or near death 'walk towards the light' kinda experience.

there was just me, saying yes.  i said yes.  i decided i do want to.

i want to believe.

not by putting on rose colored glasses to block out all the negative that is unclear and confusing,

but with honest realness, looking for answers, wholehearted.  open.

i needed to tell God that altho things have happened 

that have shaken me to my very core that i still believe He's good.  and that He's love.  

i wanted to tell him i'm sorry i'd been ashamed of Him because of the 

jackassy, ridiculous stereotypes out there that misrepresent Him daily.

that i need to stop hating and be a lover.   

to stop being a cynic and be a seeker.  

to take one step, just one into the light. 

so i did.  i said yes.  and i took a step.  that day.

and the days since.  i'm not living happily ever after and i still have so many questions,

but i decided to stay.  to walk on.  not because i have to, but because i want to.

because i believe that at the heart of the matter, God is love.  and that He loves me.  and you.

and wants us to love each other.

and that's enough for this day.