december 1 was 6 months to 50 for  me.
   
as this landmark day looms in the not so distant future and in my typically melodramatic way, i've decided to blog my way to 50.  my reasons are purely selfish.  public forums motivate me to stick with things, basically.  while i'm fairly happy with the woman i am in these 49 years of life, there are a few areas in which i totally suck.  i am committing to improvement in these areas.  not because anyone said i should or because people will like me better if i do but because i want to.  frankly, i'm tired of being less that i think God made me to be.  i'm tired of feeling like i'm enslaved (see, i told you i'm melodramatic) by certain character lackings (flaws, shortages, deficits...) and i'm on a mission to be free of this sense of failing.

so first off, i decided to blog every day.  fail.

so typically in this situation of failing to do what i set out to do the VERY FIRST DAY i'd go another few days and if i failed to step by step begin to slowly make the changes i want to see in my life because
a) i worked too much
b)i hit snooze 4 times
c)i watched too many episodes of law and order SVU on netflix
d)i played solitaire on my phone for an hour or
e)all of the above
then i'd quit.   i'd give up because 'i'm fine the way i am and it was a great idea but it's no big deal if i don't do this.'  


now i believe it's true that i'm fine the way i am.  i'm loved and accepted by God and by my friends and family (mostly...) but i still long to be a better me.  i know that there are so many ways that i could be.  but because i've refused to be a person who checks off the list of boxes (this box checking i'm certain will be the subject of another blog in the future)i feel like i'm less than i could be.
 
so 6 days late, i'm starting the blogging.  i've already started and restarted in other places.  i'd like to say i'll see you tomorrow but i may not.
however i will see you again, soon.