everchanging view

so many many questions and thoughts around this.
today, i'll start here. 

what's the difference in accepting and settling?

how can i be my best me and still accept who i am?
like deep down?

how can i expect the best out of people (like love does) but still take them for who they are?

what if accepting what IS ruins everything that
COULD BE?

how can i make peace with accepting what i hate but have no power to change?

more questions than answers today.   i need wisdom. 

when you talk as much as i do, you say a ton of crap you shouldn't say.
in the 52 years i've walked this earth, i've said some heinous things to people i love.  on purpose.  because i was mad. or right. or even because i was the mom.  or the wife.

and i've also said lots of things that aren't really bad or wrong, per se , but offended the hearer.  because i was thoughtless. quick to speak. getting my $.02 in.  being funny. sarcastic. maybe not WHAT i said but HOW i said it.  dang, i suck at that. 

then there is the volumes of useless words that pour out of my mouth.  words that aren't wrong but have no value whatsoever.  like zero.  just blabberyness.  talking just to hear myself talk.

like a strom thurmond filibuster.


the thing about talking is that it's REALLY HARD TO LISTEN  at the same time. 
a goal of this month of blogging about words is to speak less and listen more.

how do you do with that?

'...be quick to listen and slow to speak..'

bajabas (ba-ha'-bəs)

i learned this word from the fabulous Gabrielle Lorraine Carvell-Vaughan.  (i actually think the word became a part of my vocab when Gabs was here in the Hville and maybe the word actually came from Andrew Capets? but nonetheless she gets the credit because i associate the word with her.)

anyway, 'BAJABAS' is an AWESOME word.
it means 'gotcha.'
and today, Jesus said 'bajabas' to me.

i'm minding my own business this morning, making smoothies and lunchies for my men, chatting, drinking coffee, all the usual.  At some point, Algie said some thing that i thought was judgy about someone.  and being the good wife that i am, i quickly pointed that out.  quoted him some bullshize, eh, truths about kindness and living a life of meaning, etc...yada yada yada.
and then i pulled out the big gun.
as he was walking out the door, i yelled, 'would you have said that if Jesus was here?????'  (hear in my voice 'oh yeah, baby.  no trumping that comment.')
cause you know i'm all Christ-y cause i am practicing lent and just got back from storyline conference and work for God and all...

feeling a little uneasy about that last exchange, i justify it in my mind.  'speaking truth is loving someone.'  'it's my job to hold him accountable.  he wants to tell a better story with his life.  how can he if i don't help him?'  

so i sit down to read and meditate and pray as i've committed to do more regularly during Lent.  see that story here.  and i read about Jesus as Immanuel, God with us.  and as i'm writing about this, i think, 'how will i live differently if i believe this about Jesus?  that he is always with us.'
i start thinking about Algie.  and what he said.  and what i said.  and it occurred to me that if Jesus had been physically standing in my kitchen drinking a blueberry smoothie, i would have TOTALLY let him call Algie out about being all judgy.  and i would have minded my own business.


Exactly.  



















Don’t condemn others, and God won’t condemn you.   
God will be as hard on you as you are on others! He will treat you exactly as you treat them.